This weekend is already wonderful. I deliberately cleared out our schedule, said no to having friends spend the night, and didn't plan any big things. We've all been running like hamsters on wheels all week so we need some relaxing, down time. Especially A as she has been hit hard with a bad cold for most of the week.
We all enjoyed waking up late and then sitting on the couch drinking coffee (me), chocolate milk (H) and orange juice (A) with each other. Spending time with my girls in those quiet, easy moments is quickly becoming one of my favorite things.
Last night I let the girls scarf down dinner and run out to the neighborhood to play. I have been so blessed to live in a subdivision that is safe (its a big circle in the country so no worries about not knowing where they are) and they both have found friends that go to their schools that live down the road. So they headed out around 5pm and came back around 8pm. Which gave me some down time to enjoy watching a tv show as I did laundry and dishes. Then I shamelessly just sat there and enjoyed a break before A came in with scraped up hands and after cleaning her up, we snuggled together with a show she picked.
For the Safety Police reading this: Yes, I knew where they were (I could look out my window and see them in the neighbors yard) and I knew who their friends were as well as laying down two ground rules: 1. No going into anyone's house that I have not personally met the parents and 2. Stay out of people's yards that you don't know.
I'm glad that they are getting a chance of an actual childhood. Even more that they can have the freedom to go out and play all afternoon. Remember what that is like? So few kids in this generation will get those memories. I'm hopeful to find some good used bikes in the future for them.
Now today we've done laundry, cleaned the house and H volunteered to clean out the front flower bed. We've opened the windows, turned the radio on, and generally have been loving being at home. Next up is grocery shopping, bathing suit shopping (for A only, my wonderful SIL already took H shopping and found an awesome one), and a movie.
Only foster updates are that A is now talking to her bio-dad's family every few days and this morning I sat down with the girls and got the information for every family member they could think of. It will all go in my Foster Binder- more on that in my next post.
Saturday, March 15, 2014
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Court date (aka the miserable, horrible, no good, very bad day)
Court. Ugh.
I would rather have a dentist cleaning, an gynecological appointment, and a bunch of shots all on the same day than go to court again.
Basically it is being there at 9am, sitting till 2:30 then being told you can go home. Not being allowed in the room, not being told what it was for, and not in any way contributing to the process. Now imagine that with four kids, two foster parents, and some of the family of said foster children. It. Was. Miserable.
The worst part? I get to do it again in April. And then each month thereafter until Jesus comes back and takes me to a home without the juvenile court system.
The best/worst part was that A's dad, his girlfriend, and his parents showed up. First time he has seen her in 3 years. And of course he goes right into telling me how he wants her to come home, that he just didn't know where she was and couldn't keep track of her. And wanting to know where I live, who I am and exchange phone numbers. Being a first-timer to meeting "the family", I froze. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to be giving my information out and my thought process was something like this: they could come to the house unexpected! They could try to get her from school! They could call me and harass us!.
Sure I might seem paranoid and judgmental but all of those things are very real possibilities when you are responsible for someone's child and they are not happy about it. I ended up telling them the city I lived in and that we would call them if they gave us their phone number. It gave me some space to think.
At the end of the day, A's dad gets visitation rights. I'm supposed to be getting a call from a local business that facilitates the meetings between kids and their family. I'm trying to be positive about this (and with her) but my heart breaks to think of sending A to his home and leaving H on her own. They don't get it yet as they are still in the stages of sisterly rivalry, but they need each other. And if A goes with her dad, they won't grow up together.
Update on the trauma assessment mentioned in this post. It was wonderful! We had a great lady (K I shall refer to her as) who sat down with us and for an hour, just got background information, filled in the timeline and generally talked about the girls family life. She also called me tonight and we have another family meeting scheduled for next week. I asked her who would be there and I had to be the one to inform her that A's dad came out of the woodwork and he should probably be called. She thought he was in jail!
Side update: I finally harassed our worker into getting a hold of H's birth certificate and social security card so we could get an official date of birth and last name. DFCS had the wrong last name, wrong birth date, and likely the wrong middle name as well. So now I need to redo all the school paperwork. I'm just so glad I can tell H for 100% certain those rather important pieces of information.
I keep feeling overwhelmingly tired at the end of each day. The kids are asleep by 9pm and before they came, I was going to bed between 10-11pm. Now I hit the pillow at 9 and don't wake up until my alarm goes off at 6:15am. Is this just an adjustment period of going from single to motherhood so quickly?
I would rather have a dentist cleaning, an gynecological appointment, and a bunch of shots all on the same day than go to court again.
Basically it is being there at 9am, sitting till 2:30 then being told you can go home. Not being allowed in the room, not being told what it was for, and not in any way contributing to the process. Now imagine that with four kids, two foster parents, and some of the family of said foster children. It. Was. Miserable.
The worst part? I get to do it again in April. And then each month thereafter until Jesus comes back and takes me to a home without the juvenile court system.
The best/worst part was that A's dad, his girlfriend, and his parents showed up. First time he has seen her in 3 years. And of course he goes right into telling me how he wants her to come home, that he just didn't know where she was and couldn't keep track of her. And wanting to know where I live, who I am and exchange phone numbers. Being a first-timer to meeting "the family", I froze. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to be giving my information out and my thought process was something like this: they could come to the house unexpected! They could try to get her from school! They could call me and harass us!.
Sure I might seem paranoid and judgmental but all of those things are very real possibilities when you are responsible for someone's child and they are not happy about it. I ended up telling them the city I lived in and that we would call them if they gave us their phone number. It gave me some space to think.
At the end of the day, A's dad gets visitation rights. I'm supposed to be getting a call from a local business that facilitates the meetings between kids and their family. I'm trying to be positive about this (and with her) but my heart breaks to think of sending A to his home and leaving H on her own. They don't get it yet as they are still in the stages of sisterly rivalry, but they need each other. And if A goes with her dad, they won't grow up together.
Update on the trauma assessment mentioned in this post. It was wonderful! We had a great lady (K I shall refer to her as) who sat down with us and for an hour, just got background information, filled in the timeline and generally talked about the girls family life. She also called me tonight and we have another family meeting scheduled for next week. I asked her who would be there and I had to be the one to inform her that A's dad came out of the woodwork and he should probably be called. She thought he was in jail!
Side update: I finally harassed our worker into getting a hold of H's birth certificate and social security card so we could get an official date of birth and last name. DFCS had the wrong last name, wrong birth date, and likely the wrong middle name as well. So now I need to redo all the school paperwork. I'm just so glad I can tell H for 100% certain those rather important pieces of information.
I keep feeling overwhelmingly tired at the end of each day. The kids are asleep by 9pm and before they came, I was going to bed between 10-11pm. Now I hit the pillow at 9 and don't wake up until my alarm goes off at 6:15am. Is this just an adjustment period of going from single to motherhood so quickly?
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
I feel like a mom when...
I've done dishes, made snacks, gotten both kids to school, dropped clothes off at the donation center, picked up dry cleaning, and made it to work all before 8:00am.
As a side note: 6th grade math is still completely useless. I help H with her homework and none of it yet is applicable to life. I think the better lesson for today was when I had her use the local grocery flyer to circle items she wanted to get and then total up how much it all would cost. When she got done I asked her to figure out how many meals we could get out of that list. Both girls have an issue with not understanding need vs cost vs budget so I'm working slowly on introducing ideas of money management.
As a side note: 6th grade math is still completely useless. I help H with her homework and none of it yet is applicable to life. I think the better lesson for today was when I had her use the local grocery flyer to circle items she wanted to get and then total up how much it all would cost. When she got done I asked her to figure out how many meals we could get out of that list. Both girls have an issue with not understanding need vs cost vs budget so I'm working slowly on introducing ideas of money management.
Saturday, March 1, 2014
One Week Mark
It seems like its been both longer and shorter than a whole week since H and A were placed with me. We've all finally gotten into a routine and figured each other out. Now we are at the fun stage of learning to balance everyone's own personalities and expectations.
Updates:
I got a call tonight to set up an appointment to have someone come over and do a trauma assessment. I have no idea what this is and was not even aware that this was expected so getting the phone call this afternoon threw me a little. So pray for the girls tomorrow afternoon as they tell yet another DFCS person their story. So far none of the workers have held even close to a normal conversation with the girls so they aren't exactly warming up to meeting new people in the system. Heck, they don't even bother to learn their names because they know that they don't need to.
We got H's room all set up today. Previously she was using the (very nice) queen blow up bed and also had the crib in her room. Today I disassembled the crib, borrowed a twin bed from my parents, and put the blow up bed away. It is officially her room now.
Last night we ended up with a neighbor girl spending the night. On the one hand, I am so thankful they have someone next door to be friends with, on the other it basically means that I have another 13 year old living with us half the time. She's had dinner with us twice already and possibly is going to church with us tomorrow. At this point, I'm glad my parents raised me to be "the more the merrier" attitude =)
Also, just to prove how wacky your life as a foster kid can be- I had to tell H that not only was she using the wrong last name her whole life, she also is not 13 like her mom told her, she is 14 according to her birth records. She took it well but now she is two years behind in school and I feel like I need to contact the guidance counselor at her school and see if there is anyway we can get her up to at least only a year behind. Tutoring, summer school, working at home more intensely. There has got to be a way to get her back on track. But I guess that all depends on how long she will even be with me.
On another note: I am seriously struggling with deciding if I should let H have access to her Facebook page. I got the official go-ahead from the worker but I see all the pitfalls. Being in contact with her birth family, giving out information that DFCS says isn't allowed, and then just all the normal issues with teens and social media. Am I ready to handle monitoring it? Is she ready to be so restricted on what she can/can't do? Will it place an unnecessary strain on our relationship? I see all those sides. But I also see the good in it too. I see a girl who left behind a lot of friends that she wants to keep in touch with. Who wants to connect online with the new friends she is making and to keep one part of her previous life. I'm just stuck on what it being a good parent looks like in this situation. Any thoughts?
Updates:
I got a call tonight to set up an appointment to have someone come over and do a trauma assessment. I have no idea what this is and was not even aware that this was expected so getting the phone call this afternoon threw me a little. So pray for the girls tomorrow afternoon as they tell yet another DFCS person their story. So far none of the workers have held even close to a normal conversation with the girls so they aren't exactly warming up to meeting new people in the system. Heck, they don't even bother to learn their names because they know that they don't need to.
We got H's room all set up today. Previously she was using the (very nice) queen blow up bed and also had the crib in her room. Today I disassembled the crib, borrowed a twin bed from my parents, and put the blow up bed away. It is officially her room now.
Last night we ended up with a neighbor girl spending the night. On the one hand, I am so thankful they have someone next door to be friends with, on the other it basically means that I have another 13 year old living with us half the time. She's had dinner with us twice already and possibly is going to church with us tomorrow. At this point, I'm glad my parents raised me to be "the more the merrier" attitude =)
Also, just to prove how wacky your life as a foster kid can be- I had to tell H that not only was she using the wrong last name her whole life, she also is not 13 like her mom told her, she is 14 according to her birth records. She took it well but now she is two years behind in school and I feel like I need to contact the guidance counselor at her school and see if there is anyway we can get her up to at least only a year behind. Tutoring, summer school, working at home more intensely. There has got to be a way to get her back on track. But I guess that all depends on how long she will even be with me.
On another note: I am seriously struggling with deciding if I should let H have access to her Facebook page. I got the official go-ahead from the worker but I see all the pitfalls. Being in contact with her birth family, giving out information that DFCS says isn't allowed, and then just all the normal issues with teens and social media. Am I ready to handle monitoring it? Is she ready to be so restricted on what she can/can't do? Will it place an unnecessary strain on our relationship? I see all those sides. But I also see the good in it too. I see a girl who left behind a lot of friends that she wants to keep in touch with. Who wants to connect online with the new friends she is making and to keep one part of her previous life. I'm just stuck on what it being a good parent looks like in this situation. Any thoughts?
Thursday, February 27, 2014
5 days in
*I'm going to refer to the girls as H (13 year old) and A (10 year old) on the blog from now on*
We're all still alive and well! It has been quite the roller coaster ride going from a single girl to an instant mom of a teen and preteen.
The biggest challenge has been figuring out the foster care system. Here are a few lessons I've learned:
1. Don't trust your worker to get things done. The girls would have started school on Tuesday if I had handled enrolling them from the get go. Because I relied on the word of the worker that she would "take care of it" they missed a day of school and my mom had to come to our rescue and stayed with them all day Tuesday. After that fail, I took over the process myself and they had their first day on Wednesday. They both have already made friends and we found out that the neighbor girl next door is the exact age of H and they share the same bus. She has already come over for an hour tonight to hang out with us and I see a great friendship blooming. H is a year behind in school so they aren't in the same grade but I imagine this won't be an issue. A already brought home the names/numbers of three girls in her class who are her "best friends" so I would say all in all, their transition to school has been positive.
2. Be persistent. I've left two voice mails and sent two emails to the girls worker. None of which were acknowledged or returned. I ended up texting her late last night with "A is going on a field trip on Friday unless you tell me its a problem" and miraculously, she answered that one. Their worker is very nice but probably overwhelmed so I'm trying to remember that the system moves in its own time and to just text if there is an immediate issue I need a response for.
3. Dentist are not working mothers. If they were, they would be open on Saturday's and stay open past 5pm.
4. Lice kits should always be kept on hand for any new placements. This is a story for another time though.
As a side note: My parents are amazing. When I picked up A from school today the first thing she wanted to know was if she could call my mom and invite her to come on the Friday field trip. Those two have instantly bonded and it makes me glad they had that extra day together on Tuesday, even if I couldn't see it at the time, that one day was a huge blessing since it solidified their relationship with my mom in a great way for both the girls.
On Monday we have our team meeting, which doesn't involve any family members (which is rare) since they are either incarcerated or missing. So I imagine it won't be too complicated. I still have to find time to call and set up appointments for the doctor, dentist and an eye exam. And of course there is that pesky problem of finding time to actually go to those places...
My bank account is waving the white flag as in the past 5 days it has been kept busy trying to build two whole wardrobes and keeping 2 extra stomachs full but I just keep going to work and tell myself that this is the whole point of having a job.
We're all still alive and well! It has been quite the roller coaster ride going from a single girl to an instant mom of a teen and preteen.
The biggest challenge has been figuring out the foster care system. Here are a few lessons I've learned:
1. Don't trust your worker to get things done. The girls would have started school on Tuesday if I had handled enrolling them from the get go. Because I relied on the word of the worker that she would "take care of it" they missed a day of school and my mom had to come to our rescue and stayed with them all day Tuesday. After that fail, I took over the process myself and they had their first day on Wednesday. They both have already made friends and we found out that the neighbor girl next door is the exact age of H and they share the same bus. She has already come over for an hour tonight to hang out with us and I see a great friendship blooming. H is a year behind in school so they aren't in the same grade but I imagine this won't be an issue. A already brought home the names/numbers of three girls in her class who are her "best friends" so I would say all in all, their transition to school has been positive.
2. Be persistent. I've left two voice mails and sent two emails to the girls worker. None of which were acknowledged or returned. I ended up texting her late last night with "A is going on a field trip on Friday unless you tell me its a problem" and miraculously, she answered that one. Their worker is very nice but probably overwhelmed so I'm trying to remember that the system moves in its own time and to just text if there is an immediate issue I need a response for.
3. Dentist are not working mothers. If they were, they would be open on Saturday's and stay open past 5pm.
4. Lice kits should always be kept on hand for any new placements. This is a story for another time though.
As a side note: My parents are amazing. When I picked up A from school today the first thing she wanted to know was if she could call my mom and invite her to come on the Friday field trip. Those two have instantly bonded and it makes me glad they had that extra day together on Tuesday, even if I couldn't see it at the time, that one day was a huge blessing since it solidified their relationship with my mom in a great way for both the girls.
On Monday we have our team meeting, which doesn't involve any family members (which is rare) since they are either incarcerated or missing. So I imagine it won't be too complicated. I still have to find time to call and set up appointments for the doctor, dentist and an eye exam. And of course there is that pesky problem of finding time to actually go to those places...
My bank account is waving the white flag as in the past 5 days it has been kept busy trying to build two whole wardrobes and keeping 2 extra stomachs full but I just keep going to work and tell myself that this is the whole point of having a job.
Sunday, February 23, 2014
First placement arrived
Got the call at 8:30 tonight asking if I would take two girls, ages 10 and 13. The girls were asleep at the locals sheriffs office and their two brothers had already been brought to a home. I said yes even though these are not the ages I was ready for or even wanted. I may regret this later but how do you say no?
The girls are both very sweet and kind. We had to run to walmart for clothes and lice kits at 10:00pm so that was a hoot. Currently they are showering off the lice shampoo and then we get to use the special comb. All of us are tired, the girls didn't get any sleep the night before as apparently they were homeless and sleeping in the car because their mom "was so worried and afraid". And kept them awake all night.
The oldest girl is a talker and completely at ease with the situation. The younger one is quieter and walks on eggshells. Mainly the younger one is worried about her mom, they didn't tell the girls where she is.
The initial court date is Monday afternoon and I was told to not send the girls to school so I'm working on figuring out the logistics of that. I'm not expecting them to stay past a few weeks as the worker who placed them with me said she is opening homes soon that they could get moved to.
Since it's almost midnight, The combing might be cut short and we will deal with the lice extermination more tomorrow. The girls are just so tired.
The girls are both very sweet and kind. We had to run to walmart for clothes and lice kits at 10:00pm so that was a hoot. Currently they are showering off the lice shampoo and then we get to use the special comb. All of us are tired, the girls didn't get any sleep the night before as apparently they were homeless and sleeping in the car because their mom "was so worried and afraid". And kept them awake all night.
The oldest girl is a talker and completely at ease with the situation. The younger one is quieter and walks on eggshells. Mainly the younger one is worried about her mom, they didn't tell the girls where she is.
The initial court date is Monday afternoon and I was told to not send the girls to school so I'm working on figuring out the logistics of that. I'm not expecting them to stay past a few weeks as the worker who placed them with me said she is opening homes soon that they could get moved to.
Since it's almost midnight, The combing might be cut short and we will deal with the lice extermination more tomorrow. The girls are just so tired.
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Being stonewalled
So I'm afraid that my update isn't exactly happy news. Basically, I'm getting a lot of respite care placements but when I talk to Merryweather, I get a very strange feeling that she will never willingly use me as a full time home.
This could be for multiple reasons- she already doesn't really like that I'm young, single, and don't have adoption in mind. She loves me for respite care but already made the statement (on accident) that I "won't be getting any kids" at least for the next few months.
To top off that feeling, I had another foster mom tell me she got a call this week for a placement of a 2 year old girl and when they had to turn it down, thought that the next person on the list would be me. Yeah no. Didn't happen. Because she is in my county but gets a different person to work with, she said next time she'll mention my name to see if this other RD worker even knows I exist.
So I'm feeling discouraged but at the same time open minded. This vibe I get could be all for nothing. Merryweather is very spacey so it could just be that I'm not the name that pops into her head when she has a placement or it could be that there hasn't been children that she feels would be a good fit for me yet.
On the upside- I'm doing respite care for three kids this weekend. A 5 month old, 5 year old, and 7 year old. I'm terrified.
This could be for multiple reasons- she already doesn't really like that I'm young, single, and don't have adoption in mind. She loves me for respite care but already made the statement (on accident) that I "won't be getting any kids" at least for the next few months.
To top off that feeling, I had another foster mom tell me she got a call this week for a placement of a 2 year old girl and when they had to turn it down, thought that the next person on the list would be me. Yeah no. Didn't happen. Because she is in my county but gets a different person to work with, she said next time she'll mention my name to see if this other RD worker even knows I exist.
So I'm feeling discouraged but at the same time open minded. This vibe I get could be all for nothing. Merryweather is very spacey so it could just be that I'm not the name that pops into her head when she has a placement or it could be that there hasn't been children that she feels would be a good fit for me yet.
On the upside- I'm doing respite care for three kids this weekend. A 5 month old, 5 year old, and 7 year old. I'm terrified.
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