Still here

I haven't kept up on updating this poor old blog because, quite simply, life in foster care can get depressing. It makes it somehow harder to process when I have to sit down and write it out in black and white. Then I have no buffer from my anger, hurt, frustration, and tiredness. A body in motion stays in motion but I think the same is true for your mind. A mind that doesn't stop and allow a repeat loop of thoughts is a happier one. So sitting down to only focus on foster updates tends to put my brain on an troubling path.

Let's hit the significant changes:
1. "A" went to live with her bio-dad unexpectedly in June. No one, from DFCS to her dad, was expecting this but we got to a court date and the judge handed down his opinion that while she remains in foster care, she should do it in his home. It was not an easy transition and since then, we have very little contact with her because of the choices of her dad and stepmom. Half the time they don't even go to the visits with her mom. Simply put- they are attempting to keep a foster child without having anything to do with the foster life. How they get away with this I do not understand but I guess that is just one more advantage to being blood. You can not see your kid for three years but you are still their favorite option for a home, even if you don't follow any of the rules.

2. I have two new foster daughters, placed with me toward the end of June. They are actually the girls from this post. Their former foster home was put under investigation and as of a few weeks ago, closed down for good. Both girls are up for adoption and tomorrow I have a conference call with a prospective couple interested in them.  Life with three girls (ages 13, 12 and 11) has been fantastic but also exhausting. Going from one foster home to another, switching schools, living with a new parent, a new sibling, new friends, and a new schedule is a lot for kids to handle but these girls rolled with the punches and almost seamlessly transitioned into my home. I'm excited to see them land in a forever home and finally have the stability and family they deserve.

All four of us ended up going for a week's vacation to Michigan, getting back last Saturday. I had this planned for months and was always expecting "H" to come with me but I was scared spitless to imagine taking three kids on my own. Turned out to be a perfect vacation and incredibly easy. I'm not saying I wasn't tired and that driving with three kids from Georgia to Michigan was without challenges but what is life without a little flavor? Here is my secret for a happy roadtrip: Schedule every hour. I am completely serious, I had every single hour of that 12 hour trip planned out and because of that alone, we had no drama or "I'm bored" or even an "Are we there yet?" They knew what time we were planning to arrive and I gave them updates periodically when we got within a few hours of arriving.

Here is what our roadtrip schedule looked like:
6:00-8:00am   Sleep (keep them up late the night before, leave at dark, bring pillows)
8:00-9:30am   Music (radio, CD's, iPod- sometimes letting each person pick a song or station)
9:30-10:00am  Breakfast (road snacks and bottled OJ)
10:00-11:00am  Coloring/drawing
11:00-12:00pm  Book on tape (Adventures in Odyssey, Jungle Jam and Friends, etc.)
12:00-1:00pm   Lunch/gas/restroom break/chatting
1:00-2:00pm   Road games
2:00-3:00pm   Reading (I made it a requirement that in order to watch a movie, you had to read a book, the other option was to nap)
3:00-6:00pm   Movies (I had a mini-laptop, portable dvd player, and a iPod with tv episodes)

I had a rule of no bathroom breaks except when we got gas and I only packed enough food for actual meals- no snacks. This kept everyone from drinking liquids and kept the car less messy.

On our way back we hit horrible weather, road construction, and an hour long traffic jam so our 12 hour trip became an almost 14 hour one. I added in another hour of reading and stretched out the book on tape hour.

Anyway, it wasn't nearly as horrible as I was mentally preparing myself for. We had a lot of fun visiting with my Michigan friends and family. The girls loved that they got to swim every single day.

This week back was horrible though. We started school Monday and I ended up at the doctor's with an allergic reaction (something I've never experienced before) and one of the girl's had an ear infection that we went to the doctor for. Then we had DFCS appointments, visitations, church programs starting, a birthday party, and the younger two went yesterday for their last visit with the former foster mom. It was an incredibly long and draining week. Here's hoping for a better life this week. Although the calendar is just as full.

"I could never be a foster parent"

The number one phrase people use when finding out I'm a foster parent. Its like they immediately feel guilty for not taking in kids so need to tell me why they couldn't. I'm not entirely sure why this reaction is so common. So here are a few suggestions to hand out to folks when that phrase strikes.... because my motto is to get them when they are weak ;)

Just kidding.

Sort of.

1. Donate items to your local foster parent association group. Clothes, books, toys, baby supplies, games, school supplies, and sports equipment are all expensive items when you are starting from scratch. Most foster parents keep a stash on hand of these items for all their approved ages but most will still jump at the chance to fill in the holes.

2. Create intake baskets. These will be given to kids the night they are taken away from their homes. Sheriff offices, DFCS offices, and the foster home could all use them. They are filled with practical items like a toothbrush, a comb, a blanket, stuffed animal, socks, and a snack/juice box. These are all comfort items for the kids, they seem so simple but can make a huge difference in that first night/day. 

3. Be a backup babysitter. This isn't as simple as it seems- it takes work! You need to be fingerprinted and background checked with DFCS. Finding friends who are willing to make the effort to get that done is HARD! Don't wait for the foster parent to ask you.... go find them and tell them you want to be their backup when you can. Eternal gratitude is your's my friend.

4. Be part of our community. Being a foster parent is a lot like entering a very isolated club, there are so many rules and the lifestyle is different from a "normal" family dynamic that many times you feel like you're in this on your own. The more people who make the effort to get involved in our kids lives, support us as parents, even stay in touch with the details of the case (as much as the laws will allow us to share anyway) are all ways to help bridge the gap and keep foster families surrounded by a community of support. That alone makes a huge difference.

5. Be patient with us. Did you know that none of our kids can have sleepovers unless it is at another foster parent's house? That we can have anywhere from 1-3 appointments per week (per child!) that DFCS requires? That we have a handbook 2 inches thick of rules and regulations concerning our kids? That we sit in a hallway at juvenile court for 6 hours without ever actually going in and have to keep the kids quiet in chairs the whole time? That before our kids get haircuts we have to get the parents permission through our case worker? That we have to get permission to go on any trips with at least 2 weeks advance notice? That case workers can call that day and say they need to come inspect our house but then show up an hour late and we can't do anything about that? None of these things are me complaining about the system- they are just a fact of life in a foster home but we need our community to understand that life with us takes patience and understanding. 

Here is my fail for the week: someone donated two bikes for the girls to have. They have been sitting at my church since Tuesday morning but have we found a way to get there yet? No. First up I have to borrow a bigger vehicle to get them and then this week every single night we've had plans. It's looking like it will be Saturday night before we can get over there.

Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but can I get your fingerprints and a background check run?

Y'all are welcome for putting this in your head ;)

One of the things most people bemoan about working in any capacity with the government is the paperwork required and the red tape to get through. Foster parenting has been no different but the thing is-  I LOVE ALL THIS PAPERWORK! It seems crazy but every step that is taken to preserve the security and safety of children in foster care is A-ok in my book.

Case in point- my parents have to get finger printed and background checked on the off chance they may need/want to have my foster kids with them for a few hours. Luckily for me, I have rock star parents and they jumped on board with having to go through this.

Here are the rules for arranging childcare options:

1. Anyone who has supervision of the children more than three times in total needs to be finger printed and a background check on file. The exception is if they are watching them at my house.

2. Your daycare will not have to jump through any hoops. If you choose an in-home daycare then yes, they will need to be vetted but a traditional daycare is fine.

3. If you want to hire a babysitter, they need to be over 18 and see rule #1

So there will be no calling up a friend for help picking up the kids from school for me in case of a crisis. Or someone from church arranging a play date at their house. And sleep overs as a rule are forbidden. Those are the downsides to the requirements. Which is why its good to get your people in line that are able/willing to go through this process before you get your kids.

Side note: the problem with getting someone fingerprinted is that (in my location at least) there are only specific days during the month when it is offered and it isn't guaranteed that its close by. So if you are asking someone who has a full time job to do this, you could potentially be asking them to take time off of work and use up gas to travel to the location. Its because of this reason that I'm only asking my parents to do this.

Got the call...

So on Monday I had the director of my local DFCS call me, apologizing that the process took so long and told me how unusual it was. They apparently had a large number of staff turn overs so everyone was pulling double duty for awhile. Then she said that she was taking my paperwork to get signed today. So a few minutes ago I got a phone call asking me if I would take three children, 2 boys and 1 girl.

 The sad part of this story is that I had to say no. My home is set up for girls only and a max of 2 children. My Resource worker understood and we set up a time for her to come to my house. She was just hired in and we both want to meet in person.

 So there you have. 7 months. 100's of pages of forms. Lots of $$ spent on getting my home ready. All totally worth it to get that heart stopping phone call. Even if I couldn't say yes.

Encouragement for the day

I'm thinking about printing this out and hanging it on my bedroom wall as a reminder for the bad days ahead. Because I know there will be some and I want to prepare my heart for what is coming just as much as I prepared my life.

Paperwork

Let's talk about the most dreaded part of foster parent training- paperwork. The stories are true, there are A LOT of forms to sign, fill out and bare your soul to. On my computer are 14 separate documents that I filled out over a course of two weeks. 14 doesn't sound like a lot until you get to the part where each one is pages and pages long, but as a single person, I lucked out. I had to do exactly 50% less paperwork than a married couple because there is only one of me to poke and prod ;)

Those 14 documents do not include the forms I filled out during training or the information about myself like my DL, birth certificate, electric bill, etc.

Here is a good working list of the information you will need to provide.

1. Resource Family Questionnaire
2. Fingerprinting of all household members 18 years and older
3. Consent for Criminal Records Form 404
4. Schedule medical appointments (Form 36 for parents only) 
5. Health statements with TB test for everyone over 16 yrs; Health statement on all children in household under 16
6. Drug screen 
7. Sign Authorization of Release of Information (Form 5459)
8. Application (Form 35)
9. Financial Statement Form 44
10. Verification of income (copy for record)
11. Safety Agreement/Discipline Policy (Form 29)
12. Resource Family Questionnaire
13. Foster Parent Agreement (Form 38)
14. Sensitive Issues Inventory
15. Stress Index
16. Mental Health Questionnaire
17. Personal Network Matrix
18. Drivers License
19. Auto Insurance Card
20. Confirmation of US citizenship
21. Birth certificate, passport, naturalization papers, Green Card.    
22. Marriage License (any you've ever had)
23. Divorce Decree (any you've ever had)
24. Death Certificate (of anyone in your immediate family)
25. Pet Inoculations for Rabies
26. Environmental Statement (information will be provided if your home is not on county/city water service.)
27. References
28. Pictures of Family
29. Layout of home

So yes, there is a lot of information to compile and turn in while also filling out forms that are meant to screen you in an intensive and invasive way. After all, they are handing children over to you- they don't take that lightly.

I will say the something that makes the process easier is to give brief (but accurate) answers. They are looking for any triggers that would make a you ineligible to be a foster parent so don't spend paragraphs telling about your great aunt who played the harmonica for the Beatles. They don't care and it only wastes your time. Stick to the facts, be truthful but keep it concise.

Home study ready to be sent! (again)

Well this is only about the third time I've been told my home study will be sent in "this week"... and the first time was about 2 months ago! So word to the wise (and me)- realize that the folks doing your home study are not as excited as you to start this process. Also that their view of time and schedules may be more of a guideline and not literal reality.

The whole process itself was so smooth, I knew something would trip me up!

First post!

What should the first post be? The whole point of this blog narrowed down to a single sentence.